Update

Well, it's been a good long while since I've updated this. I ended up cutting a couple weeks ago, so that ticker up there, null & void. I moved. I'm in a normal healthy weight range and only freak out about it from time to time, although it seems those times are getting closer and closer in between. I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend and I live with my sister. I enjoy my classes, even if I'm not all there for them. I enjoy work even though I freeze my butt off every time I spend time in there. I have a kitten :) Her name is Jade and she is living with my parents and Bella is pissed because she hates her. Jade and Daisy are the lights of my life, except for Adrian of course :) Anyways that is all for now.

It's Okay

Depending on the position I've decided to be good/bad and not do workouts tonight. I think I need to prove to myself that I CAN purposefully skip a night and be okay.

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required.

Recovery

Recovery is hard. It's so much harder and at the same time easier than I thought it would be. I've had quite a few breakdowns. That's for certain. But I've stopped counting calories. Yeah I still weigh in nearly every day. And yes I still eat probably less than I should. And fine. I've been working out more. And I upped the degree of difficulty of my workouts. Every night actually. Except when I was sick. But I've maintained near the same weight for a couple weeks now. I have barely gone under. It's not going to get any easier. I know that. It will probably get harder. What with swimming season here and summer and everything. But I actually believe that it will be okay.

My best friend's dad died

My best friend's dad died this weekend. He was my other daddy. I'm spiraling down into darkness. I don't know what to do

I feel like I just...

I feel like I just... cried myself to sleep last night. Because every fiber of my being wants to be bulimic. But I don't

You know you're a fucked

You know you're a fucked up person when you want to learn how to purge in order to become bulimic.

& I can't talk to

& I can't talk to the person I want to about it because her dad is really sick. & I can't hurt her anymore.