Update

Well, it's been a good long while since I've updated this. I ended up cutting a couple weeks ago, so that ticker up there, null & void. I moved. I'm in a normal healthy weight range and only freak out about it from time to time, although it seems those times are getting closer and closer in between. I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend and I live with my sister. I enjoy my classes, even if I'm not all there for them. I enjoy work even though I freeze my butt off every time I spend time in there. I have a kitten :) Her name is Jade and she is living with my parents and Bella is pissed because she hates her. Jade and Daisy are the lights of my life, except for Adrian of course :) Anyways that is all for now.

It's Okay

Depending on the position I've decided to be good/bad and not do workouts tonight. I think I need to prove to myself that I CAN purposefully skip a night and be okay.

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required.

Recovery

Recovery is hard. It's so much harder and at the same time easier than I thought it would be. I've had quite a few breakdowns. That's for certain. But I've stopped counting calories. Yeah I still weigh in nearly every day. And yes I still eat probably less than I should. And fine. I've been working out more. And I upped the degree of difficulty of my workouts. Every night actually. Except when I was sick. But I've maintained near the same weight for a couple weeks now. I have barely gone under. It's not going to get any easier. I know that. It will probably get harder. What with swimming season here and summer and everything. But I actually believe that it will be okay.

My best friend's dad died

My best friend's dad died this weekend. He was my other daddy. I'm spiraling down into darkness. I don't know what to do

I feel like I just...

I feel like I just... cried myself to sleep last night. Because every fiber of my being wants to be bulimic. But I don't

You know you're a fucked

You know you're a fucked up person when you want to learn how to purge in order to become bulimic.

& I can't talk to

& I can't talk to the person I want to about it because her dad is really sick. & I can't hurt her anymore.

I'm so sick of hurting

I'm so sick of hurting the people I love & care for. Sometimes it would be better if I weren't here. But I can't do that

Dear L, I burned today.

Dear L, I burned today. For the first time in a year and a half. I'm sorry, but it felt so good. I'm so sorry, to you.

I get weak under it's

I get weak under it's power. The power of simply holding a blade in my hand.

Gah ^^

I hate how confused I am. I hate it with a strong burning passion. I have such strong feelings for her and for him. They're just strong feelings in two totally different ways. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. A friend told me not to worry about it for now. Someone else told me to just live in the now. I don't know what to do or think...

Bisexuality is more of being

Bisexuality is more of being attracted to the soul of a person, rather than having gender play a part of it.

6 months

Six months today is the first day that I decided to stop cutting and actually have successfully managed it :) I got the biggest hug from my best friend and the girl who has been through all of it with me. She is so incredible. And my boyfriend is super proud and I think I get to see him this weekend :)

I never attempted, but a

I never attempted, but a year ago today was the day I had actually planned to kill myself.

In-the-blue moments

I think the thing I hate most about recovery is the down, in-the-blue moments, that leave me feeling like an empty shell and not being able to do anything to feel better. Or at least, not knowing what to do. The thing I've found useful as of late is to run freezing cold water over my wrist-which is where I normally want to cut-until my wrist goes numb. But that only works if I want to cut or burn. If I'm just feeling empty, I don't know how to help that. I try to distract myself, try to feel alive somehow...

"If you're strong enough to

"If you're strong enough to look death in the eye, you're strong enough to fight him." -Ellen Hopkins

So many of my scars

So many of my scars have faded away and it scares me to not have visible reminders. It makes me want to make more...

Why do you cut?

I was on a forum today and someone had asked this question. I feel like this was something I could put up here.

"I cut to focus when my brain is racing, I cut to make physical what I feel inside, I cut to see blood because I like it. I don't like to cut, but I can't give it up."

Ellen Hopkins said it right. That is why I cut.

My friends & enemies.

My story

I started cutting on August 21, 2008. It was the first day of school and I cut because for the first time in my life, I had the knowledge that someone absolutely and truly hated me. Little did I know, that was when I would later come to hate myself. I'm now a senior in high school and have been clean for nearly six months. My last cut was July 24, 2011. I've been cutting for four years. I took to burning last year, but stopped shortly after. With the help and strength of my friends I know I can make this journey. And even if I fail this one, I know that I have made it this far before, which means I can make it this far again. I have the strongest support group I could ever ask for.

The ticker above tells how long it has been since my last cut.